3 Days of Tumbling, Thing One: 5 Ways to Win My Heart

I won’t do all of these over here, but it was hard to resist doing this as a a send up, a la “This is What Happens to Memes Who Don’t Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Street,” now helpfully backposted, and thus ended up much too long for Tumblr.  Onward:

This seems a rather odd question, as my use of my heart, qua organ, is ongoing and comorbid.  However, since you very much want to know, I have helpfully outlined a few scenarios in which this might occur.  They all require a great deal of planning, luck, or waiting, but if you are truly devoted to the endeavor, I suppose these may be no real obstacle for you.  However, since I have read and seen The Merchant of Venice, I am forewarned about the use of that particular ploy.

1) Slave Auction – You could conspire to have me sold into slavery, from which you could then purchase my body entire.  While my selling price may be lowered by unfitness for heavy manual labor, I am quite intelligent, so you should be prepared to bid against a certain type of buyer, just in case.  You may wish to enter into a oligarchical arrangement with a cartel of buyers who are interested in my other organs, leveraging purchasing power and obviating the need to dispose of those parts of me that are, apparently, undesirable to you.

2) Jousting Match – Should you have available the use of a time machine, you could transport me to a time wherein I could be the prize for a contest of skill, such as a jousting match.  Given my status as a female of the species, my rights would be even more sharply curtailed than today, which together with my anachronistic lack of documentation would make it quite easy to take your preferred organ with no one the wiser.

3) Alien Organ lottery – should we be lucky enough to see the arrival of our alien overlords, and given a certain confluence of relative benevolence, laissez-faire apathy, genetic desirability, and capitalistic fervor, you may be able to convince them to raffle off human organs inter-galactically as a way to recoup the immense cost of having gotten here in the first place, given that by the time they get here, we will have used up all of our other saleable resources.  You have then only to purchase the greater part of the tickets sold for the winning of my arterial pump in order to esure your statistical likelihood of being the winner.

4) Donor Registry fraud – if you are of a particularly nefarious and impatient bent, through the use of creative hacking, patient misrepresentation, and certain types of poison, you could arrange to be the recipient of my heart as disseminated through organ donor means.  This may require the buying off of one or multiple members of hopsital staff, as well as the controlling of a large number of other factors of chance.  But it is as likely as all the foregoing, I suppose.

5) Through legal adjudication – though stated last, this may be your surest bet of obtaining access to my vascular center.  Given that the federal government seems so willing to assign management of my reproductive rights to men I’ve never met, it shouldbe a short step to givng you legal possession, if not outright physical possession, of my heart.  You could file claims for custody of my heart citing neglect in the form of failure to exercise, excess stress, or over-fondness for mushrooms sauteed in butter as evidence.  Once you have legal proprietorship over my heart, you need only repeatedly sue me for cailure to comply with excessively stringent guardianship requirements until such time as the court deems it simpler to summarily hand it over to you.

So, good luck with all that!


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